Friday, February 12, 2010

Jesus had a little lamb...

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Fun With Numbers #6

Did you know that Samson's shoulders were “60 ells broad” (Sotah 10a). One ell is about equal to a cubit, so let’s see 60 times 18 inches that’s about 90 feet wide. That’s pretty fucking broad!

Did you also know that he was so strong he could “uplift two mountains and rub them together like two clods of earth” (Soṭah 9b). That’s pretty fucking strong!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Fun With Numbers #5

Did you know that King Solomon had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines (1 Kings 11:3). That's a lot of fucking pussy!

Fun With Numbers #4

Did you know that Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. That's pretty fucking old!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Fun With Numbers #3

The tallest modern structure is the Burj Khalifa in Dubai which is 2,740 feet tall. Did you know that the Tower of Babel was "5,433 cubits and 2 spans" tall (Book of Jubilees). That works out to about 8,150 feet tall. That's pretty fucking tall!

Fun With Numbers #2

Did you know that Noah's Ark contained two of each animal and insect that God had created (along with Noah's family). Scientists estimate that there are approximately 5 million species on earth, so times 2 we have 10 million animals and insects on board. That's a pretty big fucking boat!

Quotable Quotes #2

More practical advice from the Ayatollah:

"A man can marry a girl younger than nine years of age, even if the girl is still a baby being breastfed. A man, however is prohibited from having intercourse with a girl younger than nine, other sexual act such as forplay, rubbing, kissing and sodomy is allowed."
In other words, sodomising infants is no problem.

Cheese Please

Fun With Numbers #1

Did you know that Goliath was "6 cubits and a span" tall (1 Samuel 17:4). Each cubit is about 18 inches, and a span is about 9 inches. That works out to 9 feet 9 inches tall. That's pretty fucking tall!

Quotable Quotes #1

Ayatollah Khomeini, former Supreme Ruler of Iran illuminated us with the following wisdom:"A man can have sex with animals such as sheeps, cows, camels and so on. However, he should kill the animal after he has his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village; however, selling the meat to the next door village should be fine."
Suffices to say that when you're ordering food in Iran make sure you ask which village the meat is from.

der Führer vs der Pope

Sieg Heil?
I've been noticing an awful lot of similarities between these two dudes. Is this just coincidence or…? Hmmm. Perhaps we should examine a little more closely. Let's see…
Führer Adolf Hitler
Pope Benedict XVI
1Right handedRight handed
2Was a Roman CatholicIs a Roman Catholic
3Father was a Customs OfficerFather was a Police Officer
4Served in the 16th Bavarian Reserve Regiment during World War IBorn in Bavaria after World War I
5Attended Prisoner of War Camp in Traunstein, Germany after World War IAttended Seminary in Traunstein, Germany after World War II
6Founder and inspiration for the Hitler YouthMember of the Hitler Youth (1941-1943)
7Commander-in-Chief of the LuftwaffeServed in the Luftwaffe (1943-1945)
8Provided slave labour to BMW factoriesProvided anti-aircraft protection to BMW factory that used slave labour from Dachau concentration camp
9Ordained Hermann Goring his successor on June 29, 1941Ordained as a Priest on June 29, 1951
10Approved Germany's invasion of the Soviet UnionOrdained by Cardinal Michael von Faulhaber who approved of Germany's invasion of the Soviet Union
11Elected into power by 17 million Germans.Elected into power by 115 Cardinals
12Used a swastika cross as the symbol of the Nazi PartyUses a cross as the symbol of the Roman Catholic Church
13Autocratic ruler of the Third ReichAutocratic ruler of the Roman Catholic Church
14Wrote Mein Kampf where he spoke about the state of Germany in the Post-World War I eraWrote the Ratzinger Report where he spoke about the state of the Roman Catholic Church in the Post-Vatican II era
15Favorite Composer was WagnerFavorite Composer is Mozart
16Amateur painterAmateur singer
17Liked dogsLikes cats
18Participated in the Second World WarParticipated in the Second World War and the Second Vatican Council
19Preached intolerancePreaches intolerance
20Concerned about the welfare of animalsConcerned about the welfare of animals
21Unconcerned about the welfare of non-AryansUnconcerned about the welfare of non-Catholics
22Suppressed the rights of womenSuppresses the rights of women
23Hated HomosexualsHates Homosexuals
24Was an anti-SemiteIs an anti-Semite
25Declared Jazz to be degenerate musicDeclared Rock and Roll to be degenerate music
26Believed that the verdict against Alfred Dreyfus was rational and justBelieves that the verdict against Galileo Galilei
was rational and just
27Planned to deprive women of the right to votePlanned to deprive Italians of the right to vote for stem cell research
28Title was Fuhrer or leader of the FatherlandTitle is Pope or father of the Church.
29Believed he was an infallible leaderBelieves he is an infallible leader
30Used an armoured Mercedes-Benz LimousineUses an armoured Mercedes-Benz Popemoble
31Associated atheism with communismAssociates atheism with communism
32Predicted that Communism would replace the Axis Powers as the main enemy of the Allied PowersPredicted that Buddhism would replace Communism as the main enemy of the Catholic Church
33Opposed birth control, abortion, and homosexualityOpposes birth control, abortion, and homosexuality
34Supported abortion or euthanasia of non-AryansDenied Holy Communion to those who supported abortion or euthanasia
35His soldiers sexually abused prisonersHis Priests sexually abused parishioners
36Executed those who did not recognize his leadershipExcommunicated those who did not recognize his leadership
37Used State apparatus to steal wealth from subjugated peopleUsed Church apparatus to steal wealth from supplicant people
38Opposed Turkey joining the Allied PowersOpposes Turkey joining the European Union
39Liked to place the bodies of Jews in to ovensLikes to place the body of Christ in to mouths
40Liked to torture people to hear confessionsLiked to torture people to hear confessions
41Brainwashing, bullying and intimidation were principal tools of his organisationBrainwashing, bullying and intimidation are principal tools of his organisation
42Ruled his people through terrorizing themRules his people through terrorizing them
43Believed that Harry S. Truman was evilBelieves that Harry Potter is evil
44Predecessor was flagellated and then assassinated by himPredecessor flagellated himself
45Liked to wear a red arm bandLikes to wear a red hat
46Girlfriend liked to wear red shoesLikes to wear red shoes
47Suppressed homosexual impulsesLikely suppresses homosexual impulses
48Suppressed Final Solution allegationsSuppressed child molestation allegations
49Commander-in-Chief of the Schutzstaffel (SS) whose job it was to suppress Jews, homosexuality, etc.Formerly Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of Faith whose job it is to suppress heresy, homosexuality, etc.
50Contributed to killing 2 million Jews per year during World War IIContributes to killing 2 million AIDS victims per year

Inaugural Post

Hi Folks,
And in the beginning…Mr. Apostate created his blog. This blog is intended to expose the fallacy, inanity and hypocrisy of religion. It is not meant to mean, vindictive or retaliatory; I'll let religion take care of those. Instead it is meant to be satirical, provide parody and humour, and perhaps open a few eyes.
Hope you enjoy.

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